I tell ya it's hard going to the movies when you're gay, ya know? I took my straight 14-year-old nephew, whose favorite comedian is Amy Schumer, to see her new movie, I Feel Pretty. I, on the other hand, being gay, had to see I Feel Pretty Gay.
I tell ya it's hard going grocery shopping when you're gay, ya know? The other day I went to Trader Joe's and accidentally ended up penetrating two pistachio mochis I'd squeezed together and forgot weren't butt cheeks.
I tell ya I get no respect as a deeply repressed gay man, ya know? Why, just the other day I was making love to the superimposed, mentally projected image of my old man on top of my wife's face and I said, "Say 'good job' when I cum." S/he told me I should only take pride in my work!
I tell ya it's hard getting a driver's license when you're gay, ya know? Just the other day I was getting mine renewed and the DMV clerk asked if I was an organ donor. "It's not the kind of donation where you get to keep it after you pull it out of his asshole," he added.
I tell ya I get no respect as a severely closeted gay man, ya know? Just the other day I was driving my yellow Nissan Xterra to buy a cup of gorilla taint flavored fro-yo. This guy in a way less cool car than mine cut me off. Needless to say I lost my appetite and had sex with him.
I tell ya it's hard having parents when you're gay, ya know? When I came out to my mom, she had to deal with both the disappointment of me never having children in a heterosexual marriage, and even worse, the crushing let down of knowing I'd never have sex with her again.
I tell ya it's hard being a hopelessly closeted gay man married to a woman with three children, ya know? I want to tell them the truth, but if I did, it would tear my family apart, not to mention my asshole.
I tell ya it's hard getting a car wash when you're a tyrannized queer, ya know? It took everything in me to refuse the "clear coat" I wanted but couldn't afford.
I tell ya it's hard eating pizza when you're gay, ya know? Why, if my memory serves me well, it was just the other night that I ordered a thin crust sausage and green bell pepper pizza. I had the worst acid reflux that night. It's hard enough burning at one end!
I tell ya it's hard watching Will & Grace when you're gay, ya know? It's almost like the characters' homosexuality being consistently used for punchlines your family laughs at in their "acceptance" of you makes you feel somehow even more ashamed and less like an individual.