Jan 24
I used to wear muumuus when I weighed 300 lbs, and it was great. They were the only thing that made my body feel free and real.

Feb 1
It takes four years for a child to learn how to pour a bowl of cereal, turn on cartoons, and paint their nails without waking up mom and dad

Feb 9
Peer-pressured myself into drinking a beer, even though I had already poured a glass of apple juice. Also, ate Skittles for dinner.

Mar 8
My dad borrowed a suit for the funeral we're at from the guy who's funeral we're at

Apr 8
Will someone talk me out of buying a whole birthday cake and eating it in the car?

Apr 14
Need hot abs so my children don't have to be ashamed

Apr 16
Making my little bitches spaghetti

Apr 21
Just drove a car 1,300 miles and really feel like my ass is a special gift

May 3
Got an idea for a song about not having any coleslaw called "Slawless"

May 13
Picture motherfuckers of all ages and body types filling up on that damn spaghetti

Jul 2
Going on like year 15 of being confused about cock rings

Jul 2
My children are playing a game they call "disco butt party"

Jul 10
I do all of my grocery shopping at Hot Topic

Jul 11
Feel like a hot boy right now, at 5am

Jul 13
We should start a cab company called "Leonardo DiCabRideO"

Jul 18
Son told me that I'm not fat the other day and I'm still letting him do whatever he wants