Sep 3
one of my favorite sounds is small creatures coughing

Sep 18
cited @kokotweets twitter statistics during a drunken argument about animal intelligence

Sep 22
experienced low levels of anxiety upon misreading 'handled with pride since 1981' as 'handled white pride since 1981'

Jan 4
imagined starting an organization called 'obese mothers against [something]'

Jan 5
The front wheel of an airport cop's segway just grazed the back of my boot

Jan 6
mold seems like something that should be 'packed' with protein

Jan 19
high-functioning autistic hippopotamus

Feb 16
keep getting text messages about 'loose' mountain lions roaming my college campus

Feb 19
imagined the priest from 'the exorcist' yelling 'the power of meth compels you'

Feb 21
using the 'artist statement' as a platform to whine about 'our generation'

Feb 21
the vessel i use to transport calculus notes is a folded/duct taped piece of cardboard that has 'METH PARTY' written on the front in sharpie

Feb 21
people in ancient egypt reacting to hippos

Feb 24
woke up naked thinking 'mexican xanax bar'

Feb 24
heard someone outside door repeat "bring the nutritional yeast" 4x in a relatively loud monotone

Feb 26
facebook status updates written in third person

Feb 27
imagined a video of a skeptical golden retriever saying 'i can't believe i ate the whole thing' played on a tv on loop

Feb 28
imagined gwyneth paltrow creating a 'gwynethpaltrowunedited' twitter account

Mar 2
imagined the winner of the 2012 nobel peace price being 'anyone that has ever engaged in a political argument on facebook'

Mar 6
one time a ~7 year old asked me 'what is the internet?' and i said 'the internet is all around you'

Mar 8
jay-z caressing the face of a cow

Mar 13
a performance piece in which i blindfold the audience and feed them spoonfuls of hummus while petting them under the chin

Mar 18
imagine a koala trying to tackle something

Mar 23
this whole time i thought 'the hunger games' was some anorexia thing

Mar 31
feel like there should be a form of capitalization that's 'beyond' capital letters

Apr 2
accidentally rolled my eyes after teacher said "I have a four month old baby" while maintaining eye contact with me

Apr 4
lil wayne song titled 'augmented reality and the cognitive paradigm'

Apr 10
imagine a beached whale crying but instead of tears it is glitter

Apr 16
think about the day you learned what bestiality means

Apr 18
in the 'quiet study' section of the library listening to a girl talk on the phone about how much she hates being at the library

May 21
there have been >10x situations where someone from school is talking to me about their blog and i have pretended to not know what tumblr is

Jun 4
feel like harvesting and eating eggs is something a john steinbeck character would do and then be shot for (via being deemed 'insane'/rabid)

Sep 6
feel afraid that i'll accidentally die and there will be some sort of miscommunication and these tweets will be read aloud at my funeral

Sep 8
having a seizure indoors seems weird and depressing but having a seizure outside seems cool and fun, i think

Sep 17
feel interested in volunteering to have my body thrown into a black hole by nasa

Oct 19
remembered being 12 years old and wondering if jesus ever had acne

Oct 26
at a party hiding in the laundry room to compose this tweet

Nov 19
in a bathroom stall at moma eating a vegan sausage

Feb 20
cords seem archaic

Mar 19
hiding in random bathroom rubbing moisturizer on my ankles

May 14
guy in front of me in lecture on speech perception is reading article on gawker titled 'cutting lines at disneyland'

May 14
head was obstructing title it's 'rich families cutting lines at Disneyland by hiring disabled guides' damn...