i could never be a sports writer, unless my assignment was to write 'sports sports sports sports sports' for three pages

i wish cats could float around your head

people like to see will smith reacting to aliens

i want to interrupt a game of magic the gathering by busting through a wall on a motorcycle

being sick feels like you're wearing someone else's glasses

i thought if i combined these two non-relationships that felt like relationships, it might feel like one whole one

i think i have a dairy problem

at my old school i took a poetry workshop and it seemed like everyone wanted to attack each other and i felt afraid

loud noises have been coming from my ceiling all night

tyra banks has a very different view of reality than mine, i think

when i go outside i try to mentally will the world to 'missed connect' me

shrimp and green peppers are shriveling in my refrigerator

i like imagining people bent over, barely making noise, surrounded by very tall grass

my phone keeps making the 'text message alert' sound but i have no new text messages

there is one light on in my apartment

tom clancy probably wears a baseball hat when he has sex

i want someone to lick my head

i am rating all ads on facebook as 'offensive' and it is making me laugh

malkoviches bitches

if other people didn't exist i wouldn't worry if i was interesting or not

i like funny and sad people because life feels funny and sad to me

from the perspective of my tongue my mouth feels infinitely huge

when i wake in the middle of the night i am always thirsty

i would like to matter to every person in the world

the free pizza was surrounded by tents and student government signs

i said 'okay, i won't hit you, i know you're just doing your job'

i'm at the computer lab trying to make the blogger screen appear small so people won't know i have a blog and i update it at computer labs sometimes

shouldn't numbers turn into something else at some point

i talk to myself out loud as if i'm updating a friend i haven't seen for two months

sort of like being in a bathtub, my brain gets put in a bathtub

he said the bartender told him to sit here because this table is where people go to have awkward conversations

my cat is always looking at me like i am forgetting something crucial and he depends on it

everyone in my family bumps into things

i said 'i put my hand in the jell-o'

sometimes i imagine myself sitting in the corner of my bed and wall, rocking back and forth, repeating 'the internet is here to help me'

that will be my new year's resolution: don't touch anyone

i have four different kinds of mustard in my refrigerator

the optimal window of time to respond to a text message is three minutes to two hours

the camera was definitely not supposed to show his penis, it just kind of panned down 'curiously'

i felt distressed when i found out i lost my wallet but now i accept that it's gone

i am unsure of the plot of this movie but it feels like someone has cancer

he was like 'if i was doing what i wanted to be doing then i'd be sleeping right now'

sometimes i narrate my life in the third person in my head and wonder if it's good enough

today in the shower when i tried to think of something catchy to sing i immediately thought of the mcdonald's jingle that goes 'ba da ba ba ba, i'm lovin' it'

this happens every time i go to subway, i feel worried

WHOA I'M SO DEPRESSED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i feel bad because they can't leave my apartment and someone removed their reproductive organs

i went in the other room and time passed

at royal farms an old man and i looked for the bathroom key and found it in the potato chip aisle

i don't remember when i began saying i was allergic to honeydew melon, but i know it was a long time ago