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NINE POEMS
MALLORY WHITTEN


SEROQUEL

when i am withdrawing from this specific psychiatric medication and driving, it feels like i am on a roller coaster that is being controlled by a toddler


HALLUCINATING

when you start hallucinating it gets hard to trust your perception of reality

so you learn to come up with tricks to validate what you see

like if you think someone knocked at the door and the dog barks while looking at the door, it's real

and if you're eating dinner with friends and a human stands up and walks behind you that seems inhumanly tall, find the most understanding person at the table and while the others are talking, ask them if they saw that really tall person too

you get to develop this relationship with your windows that is like a friend you binge eat around, they see you when you are weak, when you are just double checking no one is in the driveway like you just saw

and if you're out in public and you can't tell if an old man is really talking to himself or if you are making him talk to himself find the most sympathetic person to ask if they heard what he said

but it gets harder when you're talking to your boyfriend and you hear an iPhone ringtone come out of his throat in the middle of a word

because you don't want to seem that fucking insane when you triple check if either of your phones just went off, but you heard it and its scary to think you're capable of creating things that convincingly, to where you're not convinced but you're pretty fucking sure you just heard that

and you try to tell yourself you are lucky

its like you're on drugs when you're not

"you get to be on drugs when you're not"

"you don't have to pay money to see and hear things that aren't there, other people love this shit."


TO WOMEN

when i talk to a man i see him as a person
& listen to his comments
& form ideas of him as a person

when i talk to a woman i see her as a person
& listen to her comments while looking at her face, her clothes,
whiteher body
& form ideas of myself as a person in comparison to her, putting
whitemy energy into finding how i am lesser than her
& when i let the relationship stop there is when i stop growing
whitebecause i have been taught we are to compete & hate each
whiteother
& i have been falsely convinced that our relationships solely
whitecontain drama & shopping


FIRST EXPERIENCE WITH PORN

i am 14 years old & my boyfriend is messaging me on AIM
whiteinstant messenger from his best friend's screenname asking
whiteme why i don't give my boyfriend head

i google "giving head" & read a PDF about giving fellatio & feel
whiteuncomfortable
i feel like an alien because i assume everyone else my age is
whitedoing this
i have no idea that the pressure that is being exercised on me is
whitewrong

i am at my boyfriend's best friend's parent's house with my
whiteboyfriend, his best friend, and his girlfriend
the best friend plays a video of a girl violently "deep throating"
white(looked like choking) on a penis
it seems blatantly obvious that the two of them orchestrated this
whitebefore i arrived, implying that this should happen later

i feel uncomfortable, say nothing, and get flipped off the bed by
whitethe best friend

the two boys laugh and the other girl sits there saying "oh my
whitegod"

this is my first experience with porn


CREATING MY OWN LITTLE WORLD

where I wear clean socks every day
where I serve food to people
where I go to school to be a healer
where I take pictures that look like heaven
and stare at my tits in the mirror


OPEN

I am open to seeing what limiting beliefs I have so I can reframe them


WHAT WE TALK ABOUT WHEN WE TALK ABOUT SYNCHRONICITY

Last week at the diner someone pronounced "Raphael" like
white"ray-fee-ell" someone else on instagram posted their daily
whitecard reading and it was "eight of Raphael"
someone else's total at the diner was $11.33

Today I went to the bookstore and found a book about angels
whitethat I wanted to buy because I haven't read a book about
whiteangels yet
I walked over to the clearance section and saw a book about
whitebirds that I had almost bought in a different city a week ago
I open the book and inside there is a bookmark
it says "make yourself familiar with the angels"
And more of a prayer from St Francis
who is the only saint I know of

I buy both books
When I get in the car it is 11:33
I drive home and see a store named "Raphael's"
The number 11 means keep your thoughts positive because
whitethey are manifesting instantly
The number 33 means divine guidance

& once I am home
there is a disposable Wendy's cup from my roommate on the
whitetable
& it says the word angel on it


CLOSED

Closed to reading your poems
because you like my writing & want some feedback
if I change your poem it is not your poem
& I am not a tool


GREECE

I was on Marathonos beach
& stepped on a bee while talking to american girls
my friends peed in a glass from the beach bar we were at
the owner came outside yelling

a man takes down his pistachio stand and lays down on the
whitebrick wall
his shirt doesn't cover the underside of his belly

I watch as a stray dog crosses the street calmly
until he almost gets hit by a taxi
then he starts barking at the car
the way a human would yell at someone
& finishes crossing the street