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SELECTIONS FROM MALLORY WHITTEN'S TWITTER
MALLORY WHITTEN, EDITED BY ANDREW WEATHERHEAD


Aug 3
Little boy across the street just shot me with a paper gun then spun around

Aug 5
Sleepily imagined peperoni pizza that had words spelled out in each peperoni circle (made of lard) had a birds eye but zoomed in view

Aug 21
recently remembered being ~ 7 yrs old & asking dentist if germs "empty themselves" in our mouths, because i was too scared to say "poop"

Sep 1
a dead and frozen looking chipmunk fell out of a tree and landed right next to me. should i keep it

Jan 24
touched my lip to judge its level of chapped-ness (which turned out to be very low) and discovered my finger tastes like money

May 16
had a dream i invented 3D holigraphic porn and planted "porn episodes" in the streets

May 22
thought something about human arms evolving to be longer due to large amount of use of drive-thru windows

May 27
helped jordan's dad paint while he almost relentlessly joked about his friend's "sausage fingers"

Jun 8
tonight i met 2 people on lsd eating pineapple pizza. the girl said "i feel like im literally opening a pizza box" while opening a pizza box

Jul 4
said "it feels my legs are in different parts of the united states..." while staring blankly at a towel

Jul 5
dreamed i had to keep a patio balanced with my body to keep the world from ending and was asked if i wanted red, white or green wine

Jul 6
tonight i was taught how to cook steak and heard a seemingly anorexic girl repeatedly call a fart a 'gook'

Jul 16
thought "I'll most likely be drinking for at least 10 hours today" then looked at my thighs & tilted passenger seat fully back to do sit-ups

Jul 29
dreamed friends & i wore hats of things (cookie monster, hamster etc) & sat in a circle passing a soccer ball around with a camcorder in it

Aug 4
was very close to eating a rock until my sister told me it wasnt food

Aug 5
remembered a time where on the way to girl scout camp my mom ran over a squirrel and we cried and didnt talk about it

Aug 20
lol re that one d12 guy starting a verse with "im at a rave" & in a different song starting another verse with "im at a rave again"

Aug 24
wearing a nightgown as a dress, will anyone notice? whateva mayne

Sep 9
i can hear girls a few rooms over strategizing about how to wear their hair for a competitive sub eating contest tonight

Sep 11
9/11.....

Sep 13
in line for a salad bar i turned and asked an obese old man behind me if he wanted me to save him zucchini and he laughed and didn't say

Sep 17
read "1-800-mice" as "boom juice"

Sep 21
heard a male wearing a shirt with the sleeves cut off say "i wish there was a vending machine for pecks and triceps" earnestly to his friend

Sep 26
said "drumstick" then started to say "ice cream" to clarify, but saw 3 african-american women and said "chicken" absent mindedly

Oct 17
in physics my professor played an NPR podcast with various prairie dogs chirping and monkeys screaming for ~ 11 minutes

Oct 22
today i slept next to my dog & shared soup with him by scooping out ingredients, wrapping them in pita & gently tossing it at his face

Nov 3
grandma was drunk and said "we should sit together, we should sleep together"

Nov 4
if i was ever boxing someone i would punch them in the liver then when they were curling down i would punch them in the face