Feb 26
can someone pay me to write stupid, niche, trite things on various forms of internet

Mar 18
turtle lin

Apr 1
i'd rather be a tree in lord of the rings than a person in real life

Apr 13
contrived and deleted over a dozen tweets over the past two days in an attempt at employing faux pas spelled as faux paws to describe my cat

Jun 12
what's more american than loneliness

Jun 13
call me mister faux paw -my cat

Jul 29
livetweeting being alone in my room

Aug 10

Aug 16
seems harder to find bitches on goodreads than it really should be..

Aug 30
odds my professor hates his life more than i hate mine seem high #jackpot

Sep 1
people who describe themselves as quirky, the fuck is that

Sep 3
i said what are you doing grandma, she said "im contemplating my navel"

Sep 12
just smiled at a baby who looked at me and vomited

Sep 16
cardigan weather it's #cardiganweather everybody celebrate #cardiganweather and wear your #cardigans in this #weather #imdead

Sep 24
*walks up to friends* hey guys! ... oh yesterday? well let's see; i stood in parts of my room, tried to make fried ice-cream and cried twice

Sep 26
i want to announce to a group of people after much frustration "i guess what i'm trying to say is none of you bitches know me"

Oct 6
the day steve jobs died my poop was statue-of-liberty green

Oct 17
feeling pretty jimmy chen

Oct 18
stopped myself from doodling "teenage butt syndrome" in bubble letters on my political science notes during lecture on anarchism & godwin

Nov 1
i literally have never owned a dog

Nov 15
when i die can someone transcribe my tweets into a book w. a person shrugging shoulders on the cover, title: it was probably for the best

Nov 26
"i am alone" vs "i am single" (you say tomato, i say fall in love with me)

Dec 14
babies cry because they are alive and that is the saddest thing to be

Dec 19
a customer came up to me today and said "whats wrong" while i was thinking about my okcupid profile