Want 'science' to turn me into a self-sustaining, sentient electrical pulse that can be inserted into the internet and live indefinitely
Bread flavored gum.
Ate a tuna salad sandwich and thought "I'm livin that 31st century futuristic fly shit."
Keep thinking the boxes throughout my house are other humans.
Just said "doo-doo porn" loudly while friend talked to his mother on the phone.
Seem to be only human in Target impacted emotionally by Bill Withers singing "Ain't No Sunshine" through the PA.
Segways seem fun. Confused re 'mockery' of segways.
Want a Funkadelic song to exist titled "Black People, Be Careful With Your Time Machines"
Wish astrology was real so I could know all I need to know about humans without actually working to know a human.
The man who coined "I'm the shit" is probably dead.
Really nothing to stop me from screaming "CRIME MOB HOE" in this bank lobby. #freedom
Thought "ol' Sean Connery lookin ass" while looking at a man who resembles Sean Connery.
Made eye contact with another man at urinal. Just trying to keep an open mind.
Waiting room with 4 strangers. Everyone is calmly absorbing Shania Twain.
Often visualize a large snail when someone says, "stream of consciousness."
Urge to become tiny man and swim in sausage gravy.
Gonna start a band called "Suicide On Vimeo Live"
Thought "what media would I take to a deserted island" and "probably have larger concerns" and fell down...
Thought I tweeted, "~60% of my 'blackness' is irony, and ~40% is 'fuck you'" but I didn't...fell down...laying here...
On ass again, looking at ceiling, wonder if cobwebs are made by spiders or naturally occurring phenomenon..or wtf...
Thought "y'all still my niggas" to box of fancy-ass cookies.
Seems the only audiobook worth purchasing is Foster Dubs reading Koontz aloud to his mother in the cabin of a U-Haul.
Trying to decide "what to do next"...maybe I'll [nothing feels appealing].
Imagined getting shot and while hunched over, bleeding profusely, whispering "Retweet..got shot...Twitter" to myself.
Identify with Juicy J lyric "I get so damn trippy / in my mind / I go blank" despite lack of total comprehension...
Man at "Occupy Nothingness" protest holding sign: "100% of Americans will die, at some point."
Honestly can't think of anything more pleasing than writing, "I want have sex with you," on the FB wall of people I want to have sex with.
Seems the most valuable thing about being in a relationship is going to Target to "pick up a few things."
That little rover on Mars seems pretty lonely.
Engaged in sudden struggle to remember humans named Ralph.
The "Coming Race War" seems sexual.
Tried to feel something, anything, re Kim Jong-Il, our last hope for nuclear annihilation.
David Attenborough saying, "The average human spends 56,352 hours awake in bed, too lazy to pee..." while camera pans to reveal me in bed.
Briefly imagined being able to fast forward through today using an appliance called "Fuck Tuesdays"...
Referred to Walgreens pharmacist as "my drug dealer" and she didn't laugh.
One day a Pterodactyl will crash into my room and we'll ride outta this bitch.
Waka Flocka Flame brand vodka called "Waka Flocka Vokka"
Imagined continuously tweeting the letter "B" over 100K tweets, or until I lost 175 followers. B,B,B,B...
Seem to have 'balked at' today by getting out of bed and saying, "BALK BALK BALK."
Suddenly remembered parent's euphemism for penis was "polly-wolly" & palmed my face.
Realized I'd misread the past tense of 'binge' ('binged' pizza) as past tense of using Bing search.
Organized group of trained assassins who quietly & painlessly assassinate depressed people called 'The Humanitarians'
Urge to put on ~5 hoodies and linger outside a gated community.
Stopped looking at Facebook on computer and started looking at Facebook on phone.
Wish I could get a .gif tattoo.
Remembered trying to make "DILLIGAF" [Does It Look Like I Give A Fuck] happen in 8th grade by saying, "DILLIGAF y'all!" 2x in ~1 hour.
Seems people forget how chill rabbits are.
Sometimes the internet seems like a million rich, white teenagers fucking.
Genuinely concerned about encountering a horse-sized insect at some point.
Watched intensely frustrated ~5yo repeatedly strike cactus with toy lawnmower.
Lecture series where the speaker does the "Tootsie Roll" continuously for 48 minutes in complete silence.
I want to ride a turtle.
363lb Magic player casually tweeting Soundgarden lyrics...
"He just sat shirtless and stared at his fat." - someone describing me in 2072
Just experienced neutral feelings re "sex robots" while opening Beanitos.
The fat in nuts can be described as "nut fat."
Stopped pretending I wasn't staring at a butt & just stared at a butt.
Seems plausible that Obama is 10-15 feet tall.
Seems like Wiley E. Coyote was a huge fuck up.
Roomie asked "Do turtles have dicks?" and I said, "Yeah, they do. Right?" and he said, "I don't know."
Disease called "Obese Foot" where you rapidly gain weight in your left foot...
Want to be pushed out of a helicopter and fall into a stadium filled with beef ravioli.