Oct 12
Want 'science' to turn me into a self-sustaining, sentient electrical pulse that can be inserted into the internet and live indefinitely

Feb 9
Bread flavored gum.

Sep 4
Ate a tuna salad sandwich and thought "I'm livin that 31st century futuristic fly shit."

Oct 17
Keep thinking the boxes throughout my house are other humans.

Oct 30
Just said "doo-doo porn" loudly while friend talked to his mother on the phone.

Nov 4
Seem to be only human in Target impacted emotionally by Bill Withers singing "Ain't No Sunshine" through the PA.

Dec 14
Segways seem fun. Confused re 'mockery' of segways.

Dec 28
Want a Funkadelic song to exist titled "Black People, Be Careful With Your Time Machines"

Jan 14
Wish astrology was real so I could know all I need to know about humans without actually working to know a human.

Jan 28
The man who coined "I'm the shit" is probably dead.

May 27
Really nothing to stop me from screaming "CRIME MOB HOE" in this bank lobby. #freedom

May 31
Thought "ol' Sean Connery lookin ass" while looking at a man who resembles Sean Connery.

May 31
Made eye contact with another man at urinal. Just trying to keep an open mind.

Jun 2
Waiting room with 4 strangers. Everyone is calmly absorbing Shania Twain.

Jun 9
Often visualize a large snail when someone says, "stream of consciousness."

Jul 14
Urge to become tiny man and swim in sausage gravy.

Jul 27
Gonna start a band called "Suicide On Vimeo Live"

Aug 24
Thought "what media would I take to a deserted island" and "probably have larger concerns" and fell down...

Aug 24
Thought I tweeted, "~60% of my 'blackness' is irony, and ~40% is 'fuck you'" but I didn't...fell down...laying here...

Aug 24
On ass again, looking at ceiling, wonder if cobwebs are made by spiders or naturally occurring phenomenon..or wtf...

Sep 1
Thought "y'all still my niggas" to box of fancy-ass cookies.

Sep 19
Seems the only audiobook worth purchasing is Foster Dubs reading Koontz aloud to his mother in the cabin of a U-Haul.

Sep 30
Trying to decide "what to do next"...maybe I'll [nothing feels appealing].

Oct 20
Imagined getting shot and while hunched over, bleeding profusely, whispering "Retweet..got shot...Twitter" to myself.

Oct 20
Identify with Juicy J lyric "I get so damn trippy / in my mind / I go blank" despite lack of total comprehension...

Nov 6
Man at "Occupy Nothingness" protest holding sign: "100% of Americans will die, at some point."

Nov 27
Honestly can't think of anything more pleasing than writing, "I want have sex with you," on the FB wall of people I want to have sex with.

Nov 27
Seems the most valuable thing about being in a relationship is going to Target to "pick up a few things."

Dec 17
That little rover on Mars seems pretty lonely.

Dec 20
Engaged in sudden struggle to remember humans named Ralph.

Dec 23
The "Coming Race War" seems sexual.

Dec 29
Tried to feel something, anything, re Kim Jong-Il, our last hope for nuclear annihilation.

Feb 4
David Attenborough saying, "The average human spends 56,352 hours awake in bed, too lazy to pee..." while camera pans to reveal me in bed.

Feb 7
Briefly imagined being able to fast forward through today using an appliance called "Fuck Tuesdays"...

Feb 11
Referred to Walgreens pharmacist as "my drug dealer" and she didn't laugh.

Mar 9
One day a Pterodactyl will crash into my room and we'll ride outta this bitch.

Mar 11
Waka Flocka Flame brand vodka called "Waka Flocka Vokka"

Mar 12
Imagined continuously tweeting the letter "B" over 100K tweets, or until I lost 175 followers. B,B,B,B...

Mar 22
Seem to have 'balked at' today by getting out of bed and saying, "BALK BALK BALK."

Mar 23
Suddenly remembered parent's euphemism for penis was "polly-wolly" & palmed my face.

Mar 24
Realized I'd misread the past tense of 'binge' ('binged' pizza) as past tense of using Bing search.

Mar 26
Organized group of trained assassins who quietly & painlessly assassinate depressed people called 'The Humanitarians'

Mar 30
Urge to put on ~5 hoodies and linger outside a gated community.

Apr 6
Stopped looking at Facebook on computer and started looking at Facebook on phone.

May 8
Wish I could get a .gif tattoo.

May 12
Remembered trying to make "DILLIGAF" [Does It Look Like I Give A Fuck] happen in 8th grade by saying, "DILLIGAF y'all!" 2x in ~1 hour.

May 12
Seems people forget how chill rabbits are.

May 15
Sometimes the internet seems like a million rich, white teenagers fucking.

May 17
Genuinely concerned about encountering a horse-sized insect at some point.

May 26
Watched intensely frustrated ~5yo repeatedly strike cactus with toy lawnmower.

May 30
Lecture series where the speaker does the "Tootsie Roll" continuously for 48 minutes in complete silence.

May 30
I want to ride a turtle.

May 30
363lb Magic player casually tweeting Soundgarden lyrics...

Jun 3
"He just sat shirtless and stared at his fat." - someone describing me in 2072

Jun 4
Just experienced neutral feelings re "sex robots" while opening Beanitos.

Jun 19
The fat in nuts can be described as "nut fat."

Jun 20
Stopped pretending I wasn't staring at a butt & just stared at a butt.

Jun 29
Seems plausible that Obama is 10-15 feet tall.

Jul 4
Seems like Wiley E. Coyote was a huge fuck up.

Jul 6
Roomie asked "Do turtles have dicks?" and I said, "Yeah, they do. Right?" and he said, "I don't know."

Jul 10
Disease called "Obese Foot" where you rapidly gain weight in your left foot...

Jul 18
Want to be pushed out of a helicopter and fall into a stadium filled with beef ravioli.