6 Nov 2009
I think I'm going to start assuming that no one is looking at me ever

17 Jan 2010
I wonder how much a shopping cart costs

16 May 2010
feel like i discovered a new part of the internet last night

20 May 2010
I saw a man with a huge mouth and no arms

18 Jul 2010
Mom just called to say she found two week old vomit in my wastebasket from last time I was home, said it was a little moldy

11 Nov 2010
A child just pointed at me and said, "your booty." Then the child pointed at the dog I am walking and said, "the dog's booty."

13 Feb 2011
Sometimes it looks like hairy dudes have a lot of tattoos but it's just hair

2 Apr 2011
Watched woman pushing stroller pick up extremely phallic looking piece of trash, consider it, then put it down

6 Apr 2011
Farted and the dog began stamping his front paws on the kitchen tile which sounded like clapping

12 Apr 2011
Hands are large forks

24 Apr 2011
I never played travel basketball I just told people I did so I could be alone

27 Apr 2011
If you pee hard enough, you can clean the toilet that way

28 Apr 2011
Pancakes are like a really short, wide pasta

1 May 2011
Saw some people chasing some other people down the street yelling "thief!" Now I'm staring deeply into a pile of beef and cheese, sweating.

18 May 2011
There are people in line for this starbucks already drinking starbucks

26 Aug 2011
Woman reading "sex for dummies" in sandwich store

2 Sep 2011
the museum closes, but the gift-shop stays open

17 Oct 2011
Ice skates as knife boots

17 Oct 2011
I'd like to go back in time and violently shake the baby version of myself

6 Nov 2011

19 Nov 2011
Found my mom printed out her facebook profile, left it next to the printer

20 Nov 2011
my laptop battery is the 1%

24 Nov 2011
Just thought "hell is not a joke. It isn't a joke" then laughed out loud in a room with only my deaf grandma in it

1 Dec 2011
Panicked and felt my asshole clench when panera cashier said "can I get your name, sir?"

3 Dec 2011
It's weird when someone asks you if you're sick and you're not

4 Feb 2012
Feel willing to spend the next six months designing a context in which I can say "oh hush let me eat my sandwiches"

17 Feb 2012
It would suck to be left-handed and not have a left hand

17 Feb 2012
I wonder if we can train chimpanzees to not love us

20 Feb 2012
I saw my old guitar teacher playing racquetball by himself as I was dribbling a basketball by myself.

23 Feb 2012
Vaguely remember someone telling me "don't barf in my house" either in high school or during a spring break in college

24 Feb 2012
for some reason i always feel like i'm about to be snipered when i'm moving around my house late at night

10 Mar 2012
it'd be weird if when you died you shit out everything you ever ate and it took as long as you lived and when that's done nothing's left

19 Mar 2012
watched neighborhood child move from soccer ball to lacrosse stick then slowly lay down in the grass and remain there for 5+ minutes

19 Mar 2012
Farted a cold fart

19 Apr 2012
This little girl at whole foods is singing "alligator pie, alligator pie, if I don't get some, we're all gonna die"

1 May 2012
Shit out a chair to sit on

3 May 2012
the reason zebras were never domesticated is because they like to bite and when they bite they don't like to let go

3 Jun 2012
sudden urge to stand up, turn around, drop shorts, poop on keyboard, close laptop, go for a run

21 Jul 2012
Found myself thinking "phillip seymour who cares?" while staring at the statue of liberty

9 Aug 2012
There's a guy on this bus being paid in cigarettes to tie obese women's shoes

10 Aug 2012
Woman at the back of the bus is shouting "is this an indoor pool??"

29 Aug 2012
how many roads must a mane walk down before you can call him a mane

7 Sep 2012
0 to 60 in 60 years

25 Sep 2012
Woman wearing camouflage almost stepped on a squirrel

8 Oct 2012
Old man touching two great danes said "are these dogs or are these dolphins?"

6 Nov 2012
They should kill the loser

18 Nov 2012
The janitor is cleaning the outside of the stall that I am in

22 Nov 2012
Here I am choking quietly on a breakfast sandwich in an empty deli at 3pm on thanksgiving while wearing a bike helmet

17 Jan 2013
Thought I saw a woman cradling a baby but it was her boobs

21 Jan 2013
Kid on the bus just said "you're heart only beats when you're hungry"

13 Feb 2013
asked roommate if i could use his printer, he said yeah then left, thought it would be funny if he came back to find me covered in blood

3 Mar 2013
They should change the name of corn muffins to "fuck it"

12 Mar 2013
Sometimes I leave food around my room so I can pretend I'm living in a broken refrigerator

19 Mar 2013
The best way to read a poem is to pretend each line is the name of a horse; so the poem is just a list of horses

25 Mar 2013
sometimes I try to cheer myself up by thinking "at least I'm not still in school" but then I remember I am still in school

2 May 2013
It would be funny if certain dog breeds were poisonous

2 May 2013
Saw a kid lift his shirt up and press himself against a wall while saying "my tummy's on the stones"

14 Aug 2013
Perfect date: Woodstock 99

27 Aug 2013
Was waiting ~20 seconds for traffic light to change before I realized I was staring at a neon Chinese food sign

6 Sep 2013
Gallery show consisting only of diplomas

3 Oct 2013
What if the bus driver was selected at random from the passengers?

4 Oct 2013
What if we grew armpit-like hair at all of our major joints?

22 Oct 2013
Yoga times are like movie times

19 Nov 2013
One of my students is named "Young Chop"

22 Nov 2013
Sort of feel like celebrating getting paid by jumping in front of a car

3 Dec 2013
It seems like there aren't many cafeterias in your life after college

13 Dec 2013
Guy just ran out of grocery store yelling "I'm so stupid"

14 Dec 2013
It would be awesome if you could wash a pair of gloves by washing your hands while wearing them

16 Dec 2013
Embarrassing memory of sitting cross-legged and telling kindergarten teacher she didn't know what she was talking about re dinosaurs

20 Dec 2013
It took me almost 27 years to imagine a couch-sized wheelchair but I did it

1 Jan 2014
They should change the national anthem to silence

11 Jan 2014
Two janitors competing for worst janitor

13 Jan 2014
When public speaking, instead of picturing everyone with no clothes on I've found it helpful to picture everyone with way more clothes on

15 Jan 2014
More than once I've seen people demand the display pastries at Starbucks even after being told they were only for display

16 Jan 2014
Are there realtors that specialize in haunted houses?

30 Jan 2014
Vague memory of furiously downloading ringtones in 2006