I used to wear muumuus when I weighed 300 lbs, and it was great. They were the only thing that made my body feel free and real.
It takes four years for a child to learn how to pour a bowl of cereal, turn on cartoons, and paint their nails without waking up mom and dad
Peer-pressured myself into drinking a beer, even though I had already poured a glass of apple juice. Also, ate Skittles for dinner.
My dad borrowed a suit for the funeral we're at from the guy who's funeral we're at
Will someone talk me out of buying a whole birthday cake and eating it in the car?
Need hot abs so my children don't have to be ashamed
Making my little bitches spaghetti
Just drove a car 1,300 miles and really feel like my ass is a special gift
Got an idea for a song about not having any coleslaw called "Slawless"
Picture motherfuckers of all ages and body types filling up on that damn spaghetti
Going on like year 15 of being confused about cock rings
My children are playing a game they call "disco butt party"
I do all of my grocery shopping at Hot Topic
Feel like a hot boy right now, at 5am
We should start a cab company called "Leonardo DiCabRideO"
Son told me that I'm not fat the other day and I'm still letting him do whatever he wants