May 21
daughter just meowed in her sleep

May 23
my back feels like it's growing another back

May 24
i've been saying 'yeah' at the wrong intervals in conversation & then getting in my head about it

Jun 15
Ate a cone from mcdonalds, wanted to punch the lady who gave it to me & also punch the cone

Jun 16
happy to be deep inside my house again

Jun 16
just sat at computer and actually rubbed hands together thinking 'let's get down to bizniss'

Jul 5
something just rusted in the shed of my heart

Jul 23
my lower back is growing another back

Aug 2
throw a piece of cheese at me or leave me alone

Aug 3
like a ninja i move when retrieving something from sleeping room

Aug 17
feels like there's a party in my head and i left early

Aug 17
feels like there's a surprise party in my head that i know about and am purposely avoiding

Aug 19
it surprised me somehow that when i googled 'iron beds' i got a lot of places that sell iron beds

Aug 21
i love the morning & i love the night. if sleep must happen, it should happen in the afternoon.

Aug 27
Said fuck it & got the giant cookie

Aug 27
inexplicably just thought, it's only 9:30 on the west coast, as though that means something, right now, for my life

Sep 3
2nd day in row of being too early to want giant cookie, but wanting giant cookie nonetheless

Oct 22
i think i laughed ruefully for the first time today

Nov 20
Just went to furniture store, everything looked like it belonged on the set of medieval gangbang porn

Nov 22
Just opened 3 Word docs, got overwhelmed, & came downstairs to eat a potato

Nov 22
i need to say again that someone found my blog by googling 'how to fuck a stuffed animal and make it feel good'

Dec 21
in a shocking turn of events, i can think of nothing that i want to eat right now

Dec 23
just turned garbage disposal on in dark by accident, scared the fuck out of myself, still scared

Dec 26
father and husband have been kneeling together in trash cabinet for forty-five minutes, 'fixing' something


Feb 5
procrastinating doing...nothing

Feb 7
feel like i'm entering my Dry Cereal period

Feb 11

Mar 9
been having intense, undecipherable feelings all morning, feel they could be made into chemical compounds and used to flavor food

Apr 4
just dropped a gooey baked good on my phone, licked/gnawed to get it off #reallife #notafraidtocutabitch

Apr 19
just spent ~8 minutes thinking about the sentence 'am i my brother's brother'

Apr 28
tenderly reading my twitter feed

May 3
feels like one of my organs is saluting another and like 3 other organs are jealous

May 4
i just want someone to hold me and tell me that no one is going to be okay

May 5
often drinking water i imagine it's something else, like a face

May 5
feel i'll go on licking rampage soon

May 5
i wonder if the inventors of sports and novels ever moan to each other as their bodies rot 'it wasn't supposed to go this far'

May 6
image of cracking open egg to find long hair inside and at the follicle, a tiny yelling mouth with teeth

May 7
laid on back swooning up into leafdotted sky thinking 'nature, nature,' felt that nature was embarrassed for me

May 11
spent the last 3-4 minutes believing in myself, feel sore

May 12
like meat through a long glass straw, these are the days of our lives

May 14
Want to 'burst' into the smokers' lounge, breathe deeply, & ask everyone to friend me on facebook

May 17
if sandwiches were people i'd be a lot less lonely, but i guess i'd be a cannibal too

May 17
anyone want to go downtown with me, and by downtown i mean postal

May 18
i used to have memories but now there's just signs saying 'pardon our appearance' and 'cinnabon coming soon'

May 23
1. abandon 'novel' 2. spread peanut butter all over body 3. roll around in birdseed 4. hang from a branch

May 24
i seem to profusely compliment crazy women

Jun 1
trying to figure out how to get my mom on twitter without her knowing she's on twitter

Jun 20
i like the indisputable fact that if you combined every hug you ever got in your life and had it hug you, it would kill you

Jun 29
i like singing 'back that ass up' to my computer as i back its ass up

Jul 7
sometimes i just need to lay on the floor like an object that is usually not on the floor but falls there & gets forgotten about

Aug 3

Sep 7
a twitter ticker that scrolls every tweet from yr lifetime across yr headstone forever

Sep 14
in general want to see more body part words fused with fruit names, e.g. headaloupe, armgrape, spleengo, kneeple, bananeck

Sep 21
new food show called 'nut wars' where people stand one by one in front of a black curtain & make a case for the best kind of nut

Sep 28
only mail today was from little caesars for their 'hot-n-ready' large pizza, addressed to 'pizza lover'

Oct 26
every time i close my eyes i see a train made of chocolate cake plowing into my face at 100mph & my face withstanding it #superface

Nov 24
thanksgiving where there is only white rice & everyone is vaguely angry

Nov 28
until i get called 'the red lobster of the literary world' i will not stop trying, will not, chili's would be ok too


Feb 6
just can't figure out what's modifying what when i say 'buttery ass pancake'

Feb 27
when i talk about 'the canon' i'm referring to the foods available to me at every gas station

Apr 1
a forest where all the trees are wearing your clothes from high school

Apr 11
want to read a book where the central 'theme' is 'running around with a gun & shrieking'

May 14
probably you never want to come out of an internet trance wondering how many bananas you just ate

Jul 28
really wish that the last line of every novel were 'psych!'

Aug 6
daughter: 'are we chinese'

Aug 13
want a keyboard where DELETE is 7" across & right in the middle, and everything else is arranged around it

Aug 13
board game called 'gimme summa dat' where it's just u & whatever you're eating & yr friends & whatever they're eating, feistiest eater wins

Aug 15
mostly can't fathom being dead b/c what would happen to my email

Aug 15
gonna start calling poetry the po-po

Sep 7
the only childhood i want more than the one i had is the one i remember

Sep 13
daughter: 'don't look at anything but me'

Sep 17
an olfactory mirror would be the smell preceded by a sudden, previously disabled remembering

Sep 26
caught myself 'nodding in agreement' for the majority of a KFC commercial

Oct 8
feel like i'm about to eat 950 calories w/ profound calmness & self-love

Oct 26
those panicked seconds of hurriedly signing out of gchat

Nov 2

Nov 24
vivid memory from 4th grade, asian boy saying to only other asian boy in class, 'my dick itches'

Dec 8
one of those old fashioned popcorn makers #atmyfuneral

Dec 10
had a dream i was in a 17-year old's opinion of a quentin tarantino movie

Dec 11
moved to get away from noisy girl & now i'm in the midst of 3 bros, one of whom is eating takeout from waffle house. i'm in a library.


Jan 16
while rubbing my face 'vigorously' i imagined my hands were erasers

Jan 20
daughter, drinking milk: 'i'm a old man that loves rockets'

Jan 30
is there a children's story abt a mother who serves her children only cake for every meal, seems exciting/scary

Mar 19
i wish a voiceover would come from inside the bathroom walls & narrate everything i do in the bathroom

Mar 30
part of who i am is someone who came home for many yrs to empty house & microwaved slice of american cheese on a plate & ate it w/ a spoon

Apr 12
drinking to 'see what happens next'

Apr 14
surprised by disappointment upon discovering scorpion in corner was actually elaborate coil of black string

Apr 30
i just want to read a sentence so good that i actually pass out

May 2
i think the reason so many ppl find jesus in jail is b/c he lives in jail--seems like a very jesus move, living in jail #thatssojesus

Jul 17
married mother of 2 seeks steed for galloping, fast & hard, away from reality, for 2-4 days, serious replies from owners of steeds ONLY

Sep 9
overheard someone say today 'all i can be is myself' & reflexively thought 'fuck your life'

Sep 12
thought 'from zero...to hero' re: putting salsa on my eggs

Sep 16
what if u went to a party, scooped the entirety of one salsa bowl onto one chip, & ate it, w/o spilling a drop

Oct 8
interested in reading books called 'living with my parents' written by every person in the world

Oct 15
just woke from sick-induced nap frantically trying to remember the 'other kind' of minestrone, realized i meant 'manhattan' clam chowder lol

Oct 18
baby keeps making a sound like she knows i'm hiding under the covers looking at twitter

Oct 29
honestly can't tell if i'm happy or miserable


Jan 11
overheard at gymnastics:
3yo: 'did i did good mama'
mama: 'yeah baby u did good'
3yo: 'but did i did chik-fil-a good'

Feb 13
always interested in the pain thresholds of those around me

Apr 1
wished for an 'empathy' setting on my car horn when old man w/ terrified eyes came careening toward me on a 1-way street

May 1
daughter1 asked me to put her blankie in the freezer 'for 50 minutes' b/c she 'likes him best when he's very cold'

May 7
ran out of house for choir saying 'i'm late' when really i want 10 mins to tweet in my parked car

May 9
because of google drive, i always think the movie 'drive' is called 'google drive'

May 10
what if every time u said 'myself' u said 'my precious self'

May 22
dreamed my cell phone bill was $962.38 from calling mcdonalds (?)

Jun 5
told daughter2 to put her baby doll to bed & she stuck her in the toy oven <3

Jun 13
'subconsciously' writing a novel while i 'consciously' shove cracker crumbs & salsa in my mouth

Jul 3
what if the 'beyond' in bed, bath & beyond means death

Jul 17
contemplating waking up husb to show him tweets on my smudged phone

Aug 1
daughter1 laughed for ~4 minutes upon learning there was a president named 'george bush'

Oct 26
really want to livetweet his holiness the dalai lama rn but can't understand what he's saying

Oct 26
'7 billion human beings...global warming...[strong wind in mic]'

Nov 11
dreamed of an egg where the white & yolk switched places

Nov 13
bed, bath & beyond (& pubes)

Dec 10
what if guns were shaped like phones & u had to dial the person's # in order to fire

Dec 20
just thought 'fuck y'all' re husb & daughters crowding my bed


Jan 7
i thought IRL stood for 'in real livejournal'

Jan 8
every single time i fold laundry i imagine setting it all on fire

Jan 29
i want to host a dinner party where i hand each guest a can of tuna & go to bed & film them w/ hidden cameras while they shittalk my party

Feb 12
short story abt a man who throws out a bed, bath & beyond gift card, thinking it was all used up, when it really has 3 million dollars left

Mar 9
i feel so misunderstood & i also don't understand myself at all

Mar 26
'if anyone needs me i'll be dead b/c i killed myself' & 'i love you' are probably the two things i said most in 2014

Jun 24
TED talk on why i'm always starving after 9pm

Jul 26
i want to be invited to a rooftop party so i can shriek the whole time

Jul 31
who do i sue if i have a big scratch on the side of my face from a granola bar b/c i was so hungry i missed my mouth

Aug 8
my goal is to stop hiding how creepy i actually am

Aug 25
every nite i been 'catching' my husb looking at dogs online

Aug 27
i recommend an almond followed closely by 3 raisins