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2010
May 21
daughter just meowed in her sleep
May 23
my back feels like it's growing another back
May 24
i've been saying 'yeah' at the wrong intervals in conversation & then getting in my head about it
Jun 15
Ate a cone from mcdonalds, wanted to punch the lady who gave it to me & also punch the cone
Jun 16
happy to be deep inside my house again
Jun 16
just sat at computer and actually rubbed hands together thinking 'let's get down to bizniss'
Jul 5
something just rusted in the shed of my heart
Jul 23
my lower back is growing another back
Aug 2
throw a piece of cheese at me or leave me alone
Aug 3
like a ninja i move when retrieving something from sleeping room
Aug 17
feels like there's a party in my head and i left early
Aug 17
feels like there's a surprise party in my head that i know about and am purposely avoiding
Aug 19
it surprised me somehow that when i googled 'iron beds' i got a lot of places that sell iron beds
Aug 21
i love the morning & i love the night. if sleep must happen, it should happen in the afternoon.
Aug 27
Said fuck it & got the giant cookie
Aug 27
inexplicably just thought, it's only 9:30 on the west coast, as though that means something, right now, for my life
Sep 3
2nd day in row of being too early to want giant cookie, but wanting giant cookie nonetheless
Oct 22
i think i laughed ruefully for the first time today
Nov 20
Just went to furniture store, everything looked like it belonged on the set of medieval gangbang porn
Nov 22
Just opened 3 Word docs, got overwhelmed, & came downstairs to eat a potato
Nov 22
i need to say again that someone found my blog by googling 'how to fuck a stuffed animal and make it feel good'
Dec 21
in a shocking turn of events, i can think of nothing that i want to eat right now
Dec 23
just turned garbage disposal on in dark by accident, scared the fuck out of myself, still scared
Dec 26
father and husband have been kneeling together in trash cabinet for forty-five minutes, 'fixing' something
2011
Feb 5
procrastinating doing...nothing
Feb 7
feel like i'm entering my Dry Cereal period
Feb 11
WE WERE ALL CHILDREN ONCE
Mar 9
been having intense, undecipherable feelings all morning, feel they could be made into chemical compounds and used to flavor food
Apr 4
just dropped a gooey baked good on my phone, licked/gnawed to get it off #reallife #notafraidtocutabitch
Apr 19
just spent ~8 minutes thinking about the sentence 'am i my brother's brother'
Apr 28
tenderly reading my twitter feed
May 3
feels like one of my organs is saluting another and like 3 other organs are jealous
May 4
i just want someone to hold me and tell me that no one is going to be okay
May 5
often drinking water i imagine it's something else, like a face
May 5
feel i'll go on licking rampage soon
May 5
i wonder if the inventors of sports and novels ever moan to each other as their bodies rot 'it wasn't supposed to go this far'
May 6
image of cracking open egg to find long hair inside and at the follicle, a tiny yelling mouth with teeth
May 7
laid on back swooning up into leafdotted sky thinking 'nature, nature,' felt that nature was embarrassed for me
May 11
spent the last 3-4 minutes believing in myself, feel sore
May 12
like meat through a long glass straw, these are the days of our lives
May 14
Want to 'burst' into the smokers' lounge, breathe deeply, & ask everyone to friend me on facebook
May 17
if sandwiches were people i'd be a lot less lonely, but i guess i'd be a cannibal too
May 17
anyone want to go downtown with me, and by downtown i mean postal
May 18
i used to have memories but now there's just signs saying 'pardon our appearance' and 'cinnabon coming soon'
May 23
1. abandon 'novel' 2. spread peanut butter all over body 3. roll around in birdseed 4. hang from a branch
May 24
i seem to profusely compliment crazy women
Jun 1
trying to figure out how to get my mom on twitter without her knowing she's on twitter
Jun 20
i like the indisputable fact that if you combined every hug you ever got in your life and had it hug you, it would kill you
Jun 29
i like singing 'back that ass up' to my computer as i back its ass up
Jul 7
sometimes i just need to lay on the floor like an object that is usually not on the floor but falls there & gets forgotten about
Aug 3
REINVENTING MYSELF AS A SQUIR'RL W/ 3 GOALS IN MIND--> SCAMPER, SCAVENGE, HUMP--> WANT OTHER SQU'RLS TO BE ALL 'SQUUURRL'
Sep 7
a twitter ticker that scrolls every tweet from yr lifetime across yr headstone forever
Sep 14
in general want to see more body part words fused with fruit names, e.g. headaloupe, armgrape, spleengo, kneeple, bananeck
Sep 21
new food show called 'nut wars' where people stand one by one in front of a black curtain & make a case for the best kind of nut
Sep 28
only mail today was from little caesars for their 'hot-n-ready' large pizza, addressed to 'pizza lover'
Oct 26
every time i close my eyes i see a train made of chocolate cake plowing into my face at 100mph & my face withstanding it #superface
Nov 24
thanksgiving where there is only white rice & everyone is vaguely angry
Nov 28
until i get called 'the red lobster of the literary world' i will not stop trying, will not, chili's would be ok too
2012
Feb 6
just can't figure out what's modifying what when i say 'buttery ass pancake'
Feb 27
when i talk about 'the canon' i'm referring to the foods available to me at every gas station
Apr 1
a forest where all the trees are wearing your clothes from high school
Apr 11
want to read a book where the central 'theme' is 'running around with a gun & shrieking'
May 14
probably you never want to come out of an internet trance wondering how many bananas you just ate
Jul 28
really wish that the last line of every novel were 'psych!'
Aug 6
daughter: 'are we chinese'
Aug 13
want a keyboard where DELETE is 7" across & right in the middle, and everything else is arranged around it
Aug 13
board game called 'gimme summa dat' where it's just u & whatever you're eating & yr friends & whatever they're eating, feistiest eater wins
Aug 15
mostly can't fathom being dead b/c what would happen to my email
Aug 15
gonna start calling poetry the po-po
Sep 7
the only childhood i want more than the one i had is the one i remember
Sep 13
daughter: 'don't look at anything but me'
Sep 17
an olfactory mirror would be the smell preceded by a sudden, previously disabled remembering
Sep 26
caught myself 'nodding in agreement' for the majority of a KFC commercial
Oct 8
feel like i'm about to eat 950 calories w/ profound calmness & self-love
Oct 26
those panicked seconds of hurriedly signing out of gchat
Nov 2
WHAT IF WE ARE BALLOONS THAT WERE LET GO OF BY SUBTERRANEAN BEINGS
Nov 24
vivid memory from 4th grade, asian boy saying to only other asian boy in class, 'my dick itches'
Dec 8
one of those old fashioned popcorn makers #atmyfuneral
Dec 10
had a dream i was in a 17-year old's opinion of a quentin tarantino movie
Dec 11
moved to get away from noisy girl & now i'm in the midst of 3 bros, one of whom is eating takeout from waffle house. i'm in a library.
2013
Jan 16
while rubbing my face 'vigorously' i imagined my hands were erasers
Jan 20
daughter, drinking milk: 'i'm a old man that loves rockets'
Jan 30
is there a children's story abt a mother who serves her children only cake for every meal, seems exciting/scary
Mar 19
i wish a voiceover would come from inside the bathroom walls & narrate everything i do in the bathroom
Mar 30
part of who i am is someone who came home for many yrs to empty house & microwaved slice of american cheese on a plate & ate it w/ a spoon
Apr 12
drinking to 'see what happens next'
Apr 14
surprised by disappointment upon discovering scorpion in corner was actually elaborate coil of black string
Apr 30
i just want to read a sentence so good that i actually pass out
May 2
i think the reason so many ppl find jesus in jail is b/c he lives in jail--seems like a very jesus move, living in jail #thatssojesus
Jul 17
married mother of 2 seeks steed for galloping, fast & hard, away from reality, for 2-4 days, serious replies from owners of steeds ONLY
Sep 9
overheard someone say today 'all i can be is myself' & reflexively thought 'fuck your life'
Sep 12
thought 'from zero...to hero' re: putting salsa on my eggs
Sep 16
what if u went to a party, scooped the entirety of one salsa bowl onto one chip, & ate it, w/o spilling a drop
Oct 8
interested in reading books called 'living with my parents' written by every person in the world
Oct 15
just woke from sick-induced nap frantically trying to remember the 'other kind' of minestrone, realized i meant 'manhattan' clam chowder lol
Oct 18
baby keeps making a sound like she knows i'm hiding under the covers looking at twitter
Oct 29
honestly can't tell if i'm happy or miserable
2014
Jan 11
overheard at gymnastics:
3yo: 'did i did good mama'
mama: 'yeah baby u did good'
3yo: 'but did i did chik-fil-a good'
Feb 13
always interested in the pain thresholds of those around me
Apr 1
wished for an 'empathy' setting on my car horn when old man w/ terrified eyes came careening toward me on a 1-way street
May 1
daughter1 asked me to put her blankie in the freezer 'for 50 minutes' b/c she 'likes him best when he's very cold'
May 7
ran out of house for choir saying 'i'm late' when really i want 10 mins to tweet in my parked car
May 9
because of google drive, i always think the movie 'drive' is called 'google drive'
May 10
what if every time u said 'myself' u said 'my precious self'
May 22
dreamed my cell phone bill was $962.38 from calling mcdonalds (?)
Jun 5
told daughter2 to put her baby doll to bed & she stuck her in the toy oven <3
Jun 13
'subconsciously' writing a novel while i 'consciously' shove cracker crumbs & salsa in my mouth
Jul 3
what if the 'beyond' in bed, bath & beyond means death
Jul 17
contemplating waking up husb to show him tweets on my smudged phone
Aug 1
daughter1 laughed for ~4 minutes upon learning there was a president named 'george bush'
Oct 26
really want to livetweet his holiness the dalai lama rn but can't understand what he's saying
Oct 26
'7 billion human beings...global warming...[strong wind in mic]'
Nov 11
dreamed of an egg where the white & yolk switched places
Nov 13
bed, bath & beyond (& pubes)
Dec 10
what if guns were shaped like phones & u had to dial the person's # in order to fire
Dec 20
just thought 'fuck y'all' re husb & daughters crowding my bed
2015
Jan 7
i thought IRL stood for 'in real livejournal'
Jan 8
every single time i fold laundry i imagine setting it all on fire
Jan 29
i want to host a dinner party where i hand each guest a can of tuna & go to bed & film them w/ hidden cameras while they shittalk my party
Feb 12
short story abt a man who throws out a bed, bath & beyond gift card, thinking it was all used up, when it really has 3 million dollars left
Mar 9
i feel so misunderstood & i also don't understand myself at all
Mar 26
'if anyone needs me i'll be dead b/c i killed myself' & 'i love you' are probably the two things i said most in 2014
Jun 24
TED talk on why i'm always starving after 9pm
Jul 26
i want to be invited to a rooftop party so i can shriek the whole time
Jul 31
who do i sue if i have a big scratch on the side of my face from a granola bar b/c i was so hungry i missed my mouth
Aug 8
my goal is to stop hiding how creepy i actually am
Aug 25
every nite i been 'catching' my husb looking at dogs online
Aug 27
i recommend an almond followed closely by 3 raisins
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