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1.41AM Apr 29
I'm scared of Kreayshawn
12.52PM Apr 29
Ive been thinking about capybaras a lot lately
5.41PM Aug 31
Overheard new kid at school say I was nicer on Facebook chat
7.06PM Oct 20
I have a friend named Tuna
10.09AM Nov 18
I had a dream last night that I got the cutest persian kitten, and then it turned into a white chihuahua who wouldn't stop barking
10.46AM Dec 20
My dad always says Paul Rudd is as gross as he is, but he is trying to make himself look better
10.53AM Dec 20
Paul Rudd is picking lint off of my dad's bare feet... Maybe I was wrong about him being less gross
10.57AM Dec 20
Paul Rudd is rubbing his eye dandruff on my mom's face
10.07AM Jan 31
"Did the Jonas brothers wear promise rings so they would always be bros?" - My sister
10:58AM Mar 5
Sorry for all those tweets, someone hacked my account
8:57PM Mar 21
My hamster escaped and is somewhere in my house right now... I am afraid
4:38PM Apr 21
"Maude, when you try to protect people you just annoy them."- My sister when I told her to wear her helmet
9:03AM Jun 14
I just thought about what my grandchildren are going to be like and panicked
10:24AM Jun 15
My little sister is a mommy's girl and a daddy's girl and I'm nothing
10:46AM Jul 22
I don't even know what neurotic means
8:56AM Jul 27
A girl at camp told me she was going to eat my pinky toe (in a serious way). Mia, are you out there?
4:15PM Aug 23
My parents yelled at me and now I'm in trouble because I told my sister not to get cornrows
11:27AM Aug 27
I think the cornrows reminded my sister of how much she loves corn because she's been ordering it every meal
3:26PM Sep 8
Sad dad playing candy crush at Benihana
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