Volunteered for show and tell but realized too late that I had forgotten whatever I was supposed to bring. Found charms of faces from a broken bracelet in my bookbag and passed them around, saying "These are tiny people, they are special." Everyone seemed confused.
(age 5)

Had to be talked to for masturbating in public several times, parent-teacher conference once. Seriously didn't think anyone knew what I was doing.
(age 6)

X: We need to talk
Me: Okay
X: It's about your daydreaming
Me: What daydreaming
X: You don't pay attention in class
Me: Yes I do
X: What are you thinking about when you daydream?
Me: I don't know
(age 8)

Masturbated under a thin blanket while watching The Beverly Hillbillies movie with my babysitter. She said "If you don't stop doing that I'm going to tell your parents."
(age 8)

In a car in Florida with my dad, aunt, and grandmother. We had just been to a doctor who told my grandmother her cancer was incurable. My aunt was smoking out the window and it was blowing into my face in the backseat. I was reading a Mad Lib containing the phrase "he reached for his banana but instead pulled out a long, purple hair" and trying to suppress uncontrollable laughter. I tried to make it sound like I was crying, but knew that it wasn't working. My grandmother was sitting next to me.
(age 11)

Had to recite a poem I wrote in front of 8th grade English class. Poem mentioned Yanni, I forget the context. Everyone's faces were blank and someone said "Yanni... ?" and people laughed.
(age 12)

X: Why do you wear the same pants every day?
Me: I don't wear the same pants every day
X: Yes you do, does your mom wash them?
Me: I don't know, yes
(age 12)

Made out with TV while watching Con Air (crush on Nicolas Cage, brief period, weird). Forgot to Windex. Mom found it, made me clean it.
(age 12)

Any time we had to perform improvisation exercises in drama class
(ages 13-17)

Me: Tom Cruise isn't really a dad, he adopted
X: Yeah, but they're still his kids
Me: No, they're not really his kids, you know, he's not their dad
X: Why isn't he their dad
Me: Because he just adopted them
X: I'm adopted
(age 16)

Any memory of auditioning for acting school, maybe especially the audition where I got my period
(age 17)

For an exercise in studio freshman year of acting school, we were asked to perform the stories of our lives from birth to present in 30 seconds. It had to be punctuated by some "tragic, turning point moment." I think I got up there and spun around a few times. People said it seemed forced, boring and unmotivated.
(age 18)

Any time I don't know the words to a song but try to sing along and someone is with me who knows all the words and looks at me disappointedly
(ages 18-23)

Me: Oh, like the Barenaked Ladies?
X: (smacks back of my head) What the fuck, no, not like the Barenaked Ladies
(age 19)

Drunk at a diner with a group of people I didn't know but thought I could be friends with, smelled calamari, turned around in booth, vomited on floor
(age 19)

Drunk Facebook message to the guy I lost my virginity to, still too traumatized to look through old messages and find the actual text to this
(age 22)

Vaguely suicidal telephone call to ex-boyfriend
(age 22)

Uncontrollable public sobbing at an airport
(age 22)

Uncontrollable public sobbing at a dance party, then in a large van
(age 22)

Me: I feel sad, can we talk? I feel sad about relationships
X: What
Me: Do you want to just like, could you just hold me for a minute or something?
X: Goodnight, Boyle
Me: What
X: Goodnight
(age 22)

Made out while dancing with two guys on a stage at this dance party thing, ridiculously drunk, didn't realize people were watching, was asked by the DJ to leave stage. Only remember this in fragments, based on what people tell me. Embarrassing only because people whose opinions I care about told me this happened and seemed disapproving. Honestly doesn't feel like this was "me" who did that, since I don't really remember the event, it seems even less like 'me.'
(age 22)

Me: I tried cocaine
X: Don't tell me that, I don't want to hear that you did that
(age 23)

Email from my dad saying he's read "Everyone I've Had Sex With"
(age 23)