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I want to leave work and drive home and park my car and walk to my apartment building.
Go inside and walk past the stairs and take the elevator.
Walk into my empty apartment.
Walk into my room.
Lie face down on my bed.
Think 'nothing' for 4-5 minutes.
Take my phone out of my pocket and look at the time.
Think 'what am I doing here'.
Stand without moving in the center of my room with the light off, in the dark.
Drink water out of a clear glass while standing in the kitchen, receive text messages from a person that I like who lives near me.
Go to that person's apartment and sit on their couch and look at the internet while they sit near me and play a video game.
Go somewhere social with that person and feel isolated and alone and quiet and discerning and depressed and resentful.
I want to go back to my apartment.
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I want to sit in my room forever and never leave, never go outside
except to see horses twice a year
once in springtime
and once in winter.
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I want to lie in a bed next to, holding, a slightly chubby girl who is poor and lives in a shitty house,
has a shitty boyfriend and chain smokes and drinks too much,
has had a boost mobile phone at some point in her recent past.
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I want to record video of someone I like answering questions while I sit across from them
in a booth
in the corner of a restaurant
and the corner is dark
and the restaurant is in a strip mall.
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I want to gather all of the money I have.
Right now I have 600 dollars.
I want to put all of the money I have into one checking account
then go to the bank
and withdraw 600 dollars from the checking account;
ask for it in ones and fives.
Then drive recklessly toward my friend's house
and run into the house without knocking on the door
and throw the 600 dollars,
of ones and fives,
directly into their face
and loudly say, "Thank you for being my friend! I don't know what I'd do without you!"
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I want to tie one thousand balloons around my neck
and float up
while slowly dying of happiness.
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I want to start a band in a basement
with two friends
and break up immediately
and spend the next 15 years in the basement working on a solo album.
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Last night I walked for a long time
I wanted to lay on the sidewalk facing down while weeping silently
I couldn't
I couldn't stop walking
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I want to become invisible and move to South Korea.
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I want to go into my room and lock the door and lie on the floor and gather all of the things I own and place them on top of my body until I am buried then stay that way until I feel in control of my life.
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I want to stay in bed and read comic books until I die.
I want to drink water as fast as possible until I die.
I want to lay on the floor until I die.
I want to read one sentence from an article on The New York Times' website repeatedly until I die.
I want to sleep until I die.
I want to go to my friend's house and look at things on the internet using my computer while they look at things on the internet using their computer and occasionally say things to each other or show things that we found on the internet to each other until I die.
I want to wait in line at the bank until I die.
I want to go to a movie theater and watch a movie and after the movie ends I will stay in my seat until I die.
I want to walk out of my apartment building and walk toward my car with the intention of getting in my car and going somewhere but then start running and not stop running until I die.
I want to sit in a 24-hour diner until I die.
I want to tip waitresses until I die.
I want to refresh my gmail inbox until I die.
I want to remove items from my gmail task list until I die.
I want to go camping until I die.
I want to seek out and view wild animals until I die.
I want to feel a vague sense of uneasiness and dissatisfaction until I die.
I want to crawl under a bed and stay there until I die.
I want to stand in the parking lot of the place where I work at 1:58 am until I die.
I want to say things without thinking about them and feel regret until I die.
I want a person who doesn't know me that well to sit next to me in a room and for that person to ask me a lot of questions about myself without feeling an interest in me until I die.
I want to watch youtube videos of mollysoda answering questions until I die.
I want to go to the library until I die.
I want to sit in my car in the parking lot of a decrepit Kmart and listen to bluegrass music made by a somewhat popular artist and feel like I am about to cry until I die.
I want to play Halo 2 online in the Team Doubles matchmaking playlist with a person whom I like and is slightly better than me at Halo 2 as my teammate until I die.
I want to make copies until I die.
I want to sit on a bus until I die.
I want to drive on the highway until I die.
I want to remove everything from my room except for a mattress, two pillows, and a small lamp and then lie on the mattress waiting for mail to arrive and then take the things that have been mailed to me and put them on my wall and then lie on my mattress and look at the things on my wall while I wait for more things to be mailed to me until I die.
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I want to watch a movie in which a person focuses solely on doing things for a depressed person that they know.
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I want to go to a nice girl's house
and have her greet me
and she is wearing a dress
and drinking lemonade from a glass with fruit painted on the glass
and she says, "I'm so glad you're here! I've been waiting for you."
and we go inside
and walk down stairs to her room in the basement
and lay on the floor
and she plays with her cat
and I talk to her for a long time.
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I want to drink a lot of water.
An insane urge to drink water.
Drink water until I feel sick.
Drink water until I die.
Drink cold water that makes my throat feel awkward.
Fill a giant cup with water and ice and drink it very quickly.
Do that and feel powerful.
Throw water in the sink and yell.
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I want to lean forward onto a table so that the table pushes against my stomach.
I want to keep pushing forward until my body is split in half.
My top half stays on the table and my bottom half falls down and a retarded dog sniffs it.
"Don't dog."
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I want to drive home and run into my room and slam the door and furiously make things until I have an enormous pile of things in the middle of my room and I want to bring that enormous pile of things into a post office and politely scream "Send this to Michigan, please!"
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I want to like a facebook page titled "when you think your catour but you arnt".
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I want to read poetry to a girl and feel gay.
I want a girl to hear me reading poetry to her and feel gay and endeared.
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I want to hold on to a girl's small head.
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I want it to be very late at night, maybe 3 or 4 AM, and I want to go to a movie theater that is open twenty four hours and only plays B-movies. I want there to be maybe one or two other people in the theater and they are old men who seem lonely and depressed and resentful. I want to sit and watch a movie that I don't know anything about and it is ridiculous and stupid and sometimes funny and seems creative.
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I want to touch a cow or horse.
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I want to listen to lil wayne in my room with a girl while we get ready to go to whole foods.
I want to walk around whole foods with a girl that I like and try to discern what lil wayne would eat.
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I want to walk to school every morning and sit in the library before, between, and after classes doing schoolwork and studying hard and then walk home at night and finish the things I couldn't finish in the library because it closed and then lay quietly on my bed and read until I feel very tired and able to sleep well.
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I want to punch everyone wearing a hollister t shirt
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I want to sit in a dark auditorium and show something on my phone to a cute asian girl sitting next to me who gets excited and has to hold in her laughter.
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I want to sit in the passenger seat of a large, parked car at night with a girl that I like
and have an argument with her where she says a lot of defensive things
and after she has said a lot of things, and she has acted rationally and reasonably, and has made valid points that prove that I am wrong, I want to quietly say,
"I don't care that you're drpeppergurl79"
and then, after some silence,
"Just take me home".
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I want to scream loudly and lay down in the middle of the street with a neutral facial expression and have many cars drive over my body while maintaining a neutral facial expression.
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I want to have long, intimate email conversations with a manager at fashion bug.
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I want to wake up in the middle of the night next to a person who I am not sure I like
Sit on the edge of our bed and send text messages
Walk around our apartment and think about something serious.
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I want someone who feels the same amount of depression that I feel to come to my house unexpectedly
and wrap their body around my face.
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I want someone to murder me
because you won't
It would be easy
I would let you
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I want to drive in my car, late at night.
I want to drive with no real destination, other than somewhere far away, with two people who like me.
And I will start to cry a little.
And the people will ask me what's wrong.
And I will say,
"Nothing"
And they will understand.
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