Jun 6
I just saw a perfectly proportioned midget on wilshire and almost had a car accident trying to figure out if he was a child or a tiny adult

Jun 18
my brother is performing at Justin Bieber's birthday party tonight...

Jun 18
"who the hell is Justin Bieber? is he famous?" -my brother

Jul 19
it's times like this when i wonder what 5 black guys, a woman in a sequin mini dress and a 5 year old boy are doing in the room next door

Jul 19
update: 3 more black guys just showed up with a dog

Oct 16
just heard my grandma say from kitchen "why can't I just be chill?"

Oct 16
if I could spend all day alone in the dark watching scifi and thinking about my various vague emotional problems, I would. I really would

Oct 19
I only like kombucha because it sort of tastes like alcohol and it feels exciting to drink it while I drive

Oct 20
they spelled "African" wrong at the volunteer booth for the African American Collegians Program in the quad...

Oct 20
felt suddenly entrapped by the idea that I have to "eat" and "sleep" every single day. that's too much eating and sleeping. feels burdensome

Oct 22
my computer is so cute when it makes that loud fan noise because it has a hard time doing simple tasks. "the little MacBook that could"

Oct 31
so, if I cant figure out a way to browse the internet in fetal position, does that mean i have to choose one or the other? bullshit

Nov 6
looking for a way to exercise that doesn't involve exerting energy or willpower. any suggestions?

Nov 7
FOUND: one step dad, asleep face-first on the couch with the lights on. When questioned about his actions, replied: "I'M NOT SLEEPING"

Nov 7
thinking about hiring a large group of 7th grade boys with skateboards to follow me everywhere I go. will refer to them as my "entourage"

Nov 8
pulled 3 baby pacifiers out of my jacket pocket in class. don't know who they belong to. guy next to me seems confused

Nov 10
there are 9 empty wine glasses in my room right now

Nov 12
wish there were "drug vending machines" instead of "drug dealers". wish those machines also took credit cards

Nov 12
waking up so late that you can start drinking alcohol right after you finish your coffee and the timing isn't even inappropriate

Nov 14
Corn Chips and Cheddar Cheese Dipped in Hummus: A Memorable Moment in Binge Eating History

Nov 27
just spent 20 minutes eating mashed potatoes out of a ziplock bag while sitting on my kitchen floor with no pants on

Nov 30
my mom just told me that my dad used to draw photo realistic pictures of burnt toast almost every day when they were married

Dec 7
just had a flashback to the time that my stepdad put a beer in my lunch in kindergarten because he thought it would be funny

Dec 11
Extremely High and Incredibly Fucked

Dec 13
I can only make meaningful/extended eye contact with people after taking ≥30mg of Adderall

Dec 13
I wish there was such thing as a time-release burrito that I could eat for ~8-10 hours

Dec 16
guy in 7-11 just pointed at a homeless person with an amputated foot and said "is that real?"

Dec 18
my 3 year old cousin just asked me what sand smells like

Dec 28
I put something somewhere. don't remember what it was or where I put it

Jan 1
I wish whales could fly

Jan 3
I think more people would want to be my friend if I was a whale at Sea World

Jan 4
when I'm upset, I like to imagine morbidly obese people making loud whale noises

Jan 7
after a ~10 minute silence my little sister said "I would like to be baptized as a theoretical person-fish" and no one said anything back

Jan 9
a homeless guy just told me that he's Jennifer Lopez's dad. I feel like he's telling the truth.

Jan 9
the morbidly obese guy sitting in front of me just yelled "I SPRAINED MY EYEBROW" and ran out of class

Jan 11
homeless man openly 'jacking off' his flaccid penis on the street corner said "hey girl" really quietly as I walked by. he seemed depressed

Jan 11
I want the Mortal Combat theme song to play at my funeral

Jan 13
imagine a severely depressed sloth becoming frustrated and crying while trying to masturbate because his hand is moving too slowly

Jan 15
why aren't there any morbidly obese dwarves? that seems cool

Jan 17
my professor just said "masturbation" instead of "masterpiece" and I was the only one who laughed

Jan 19
seems like penguins have really unpleasant lives

Jan 19
a large naked man getting arrested in front of my house said "I have drugs in my pocket" and the cop responded "you're naked"

Jan 25
the guy sitting in front of me just googled 'big perky tits'

Jan 27
a homeless man is quietly peeing on my house I think

Jan 30
just waltzed with a 300 pound Samoan football player in front of my 70 person history class for extra credit

Jan 31
old homeless man patted my back while I was paying a parking meter and said "you are my first cousin. we will get married in Belgium"

Feb 2
bleakest bitch in town

Feb 4
thinking about lasagna while drinking beer alone in my car

Feb 7
can't stop imagining people who weigh ~400-600 pounds being transported places via forklift

Feb 21
a short film in which a confused sheep repeatedly makes unwanted sexual advances on animals that are 'similar' to sheep (goats, alpacas)

Feb 28
woke up with an open container of hummus and an empty beer bottle in my bed

Feb 28
feel like a whale passively rolling down the side of a mountain while peaking on LSD