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SEROQUEL
when i am withdrawing from this specific psychiatric medication and driving, it feels like i am on a roller coaster that is being controlled by a toddler
HALLUCINATING
when you start hallucinating it gets hard to trust your perception of reality
so you learn to come up with tricks to validate what you see
like if you think someone knocked at the door and the dog barks while looking at the door, it's real
and if you're eating dinner with friends and a human stands up and walks behind
you that seems inhumanly tall, find the most understanding person at the table
and while the others are talking, ask them if they saw that really tall person too
you get to develop this relationship with your windows that is like a friend you
binge eat around, they see you when you are weak, when you are just double
checking no one is in the driveway like you just saw
and if you're out in public and you can't tell if an old man is really talking to himself
or if you are making him talk to himself find the most sympathetic person to ask if
they heard what he said
but it gets harder when you're talking to your boyfriend and you hear an iPhone
ringtone come out of his throat in the middle of a word
because you don't want to seem that fucking insane when you triple check if either
of your phones just went off, but you heard it and its scary to think you're capable
of creating things that convincingly, to where you're not convinced but you're
pretty fucking sure you just heard that
and you try to tell yourself you are lucky
its like you're on drugs when you're not
"you get to be on drugs when you're not"
"you don't have to pay money to see and hear things that aren't there, other
people love this shit."
TO WOMEN
when i talk to a man i see him as a person
& listen to his comments
& form ideas of him as a person
when i talk to a woman i see her as a person
& listen to her comments while looking at her face, her clothes,
 her body
& form ideas of myself as a person in comparison to her,
putting my energy into finding how i am lesser than her
& when i let the relationship stop there is when i stop growing
because i have been taught we are to compete & hate each
other
& i have been falsely convinced that our relationships solely
contain drama & shopping
FIRST EXPERIENCE WITH PORN
i am 14 years old & my boyfriend is messaging me on AIM
instant messenger from his best friend's screenname asking
me why i don't give my boyfriend head
i google "giving head" & read a PDF about giving fellatio & feel
uncomfortable
i feel like an alien because i assume everyone else my age is
doing this
i have no idea that the pressure that is being exercised on me
is wrong
i am at my boyfriend's best friend's parent's house with my
boyfriend, his best friend, and his girlfriend
the best friend plays a video of a girl violently "deep throating"
(looked like choking) on a penis
it seems blatantly obvious that the two of them orchestrated
this before i arrived, implying that this should happen later
i feel uncomfortable, say nothing, and get flipped off the bed by
the best friend
the two boys laugh and the other girl sits there saying "oh my
god"
this is my first experience with porn
CREATING MY OWN LITTLE WORLD
where I wear clean socks every day
where I serve food to people
where I go to school to be a healer
where I take pictures that look like heaven
and stare at my tits in the mirror
OPEN
I am open to seeing what limiting beliefs I have so I can reframe them
WHAT WE TALK ABOUT WHEN WE TALK ABOUT SYNCHRONICITY
Last week at the diner someone pronounced "Raphael" like
"ray-fee-ell" someone else on instagram posted their daily
card reading and it was "eight of Raphael"
someone else's total at the diner was $11.33
Today I went to the bookstore and found a book about angels
that I wanted to buy because I haven't read a book about
angels yet
I walked over to the clearance section and saw a book about
birds that I had almost bought in a different city a week ago
I open the book and inside there is a bookmark
it says "make yourself familiar with the angels"
And more of a prayer from St Francis
who is the only saint I know of
I buy both books
When I get in the car it is 11:33
I drive home and see a store named "Raphael's"
The number 11 means keep your thoughts positive because
they are manifesting instantly
The number 33 means divine guidance
& once I am home
there is a disposable Wendy's cup from my roommate on the
table
& it says the word angel on it
CLOSED
Closed to reading your poems
because you like my writing & want some feedback
if I change your poem it is not your poem
& I am not a tool
GREECE
I was on Marathonos beach
& stepped on a bee while talking to american girls
my friends peed in a glass from the beach bar we were at
the owner came outside yelling
a man takes down his pistachio stand and lays down on the
brick wall
his shirt doesn't cover the underside of his belly
I watch as a stray dog crosses the street calmly
until he almost gets hit by a taxi
then he starts barking at the car
the way a human would yell at someone
& finishes crossing the street
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