a love letter to nature:

i'm so sorry i have fucked you up
i'm so sorry baby
i love you
i really do
i'm so sorry you are so fucked up right now
i want to help
i want to help make you better
please don't get angry
i love you
i can be better i promise
i can try harder
i can be a better person
for you
to you
please, just please listen
i didn't want to hurt you
and when i did what i did
i wasn't thinking about you
i wasn't thinking about our future together
and i'm sorry
it's just
i have no self confidence
and something that made you hurt
came along and made me feel better
for just a little bit
and yeah i felt guilty the whole time
and yeah i knew it wasn't permanent
or sustainable
but it made me feel better
just for a little while
and i just
i have no idea how to feel good the right way
but i feel like you are the right way
and please
just give me one more chance
i'm so sorry


dreamt the earthquake finally came and made everything better
dreamt you were alive again
no that's a lie
i'm lying
you have never been in my dreams
but you are in the fruit trees i collect
to keep the bees from dying
and i want to be far away from everything when the famine starts
in between a hill and a ditch silently collecting rainwater
i want to dig a deep pond inside you
seal the cracks with clay and harvest the algae that grows
to feed to my plants
because you are my plants
pretty soon now the ground will turn to dust and blow away
and i think you should know
that there are always have always been little bits
of bone and ash under your feet
and grave sites are not meant to be disturbed
oh i am waiting for the day the wells run dry
i will be hiding at the bottom of a deep rooted tree
anchoring and feeling anchored
and thinking that if we sink down deep enough together
we can make clouds form
come feel how warm the soil is when you never touch it
feel how constant the temperature stays
two feet under the ground
and if you bury root vegetables here
in shreds of paper
they will last all winter
that could be us

you are a small world i am building
and i am so excited for this one to end

do you remember when the world seemed bleak? i'll say to you
and you'll laugh and say yeah that was a long time ago
and we will be eating berries under the shade of a tree
and the coastlines will be different

help i've fallen and i'm getting up

to take the bleach out of a public pool
and replace the chlorine with plants
lotuses water lilies cat tails bull rushes
open the fucking windows
let some fresh air inside
let some jasmine vines take root
at the bottom of the curling staircase
up to the waterslide
cover the ground in bark
fallen logs wet leaves
let mold fill lacelike
into damp wooded places
let mushrooms like oysters
find a dead space to make fruit from and
soon it will become soil again
soon the spiders will return
flies, worms, mosquitoes
birds will come back
to build nests again
in those dead mangled branches
we call industrially treated cedar rafters
and it won't be long
before moss
waiting in the air as dust
settles soft
where the dew settles
those cracks in tiles
those places of hard to reach quiet
and you know the ferns will follow the moss
because they are old friends, the oldest
because moss loves fern
moss whispers to fern
it is okay, we are safe here, please be with me now
and suddenly they are
and suddenly the sunlight in the pool will turn
green and soft into sugar
bringing frogs
bringing tadpoles
bringing snakes
and when the body of a fallen tree is placed
back into the water
its bones will become shelter for small fish
its roots will become a home
its dead branches will become green
we will fill the bottom of this lake we have made
with rocks of all sizes
because this water will not stay dead
because this is the closest we will get
to whatever atonement means
to plant seeds
to let things grow
and take comfort
they will bring us fruit


good behavior
you feel like everything is worthless
so everything literally becomes worthless
so you literally have less of a reason to do things
so you do them less
and it just compounds like that
you care for yourself less, so obviously you feel worse
you feel worse so obviously you care for yourself less
and it's a paradox and its understandable and yeah
it's a solipsistic thing, a unit alone without any other interaction
but i mean, this, this is just as reinforcing, this is just as much a recursive loop
but it's just, the opposite


getting anywhere is a process

a gradual process
the road is long
the road is long
and we are moving drifting
and gradually slowly
we become
further away
from where we were
gradually slowly
we become here

but always there is a sound
the click clack
of feet beneath us
each firing
and in unison

over and over



if i were a six year old, i would say

i feel bad for nine eleven
where do trees come from?
i found this cool thing on the ground
why is everyone so sad all the time?
i don't want to wear these clothes
are we there yet?
where are we going?
what happens when we die?
when are we going to go home?
i painted you a picture
there's birds
and the sun
and green
and everyone is so happy


i just
let myself
i didn't