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SIX POEMS
JORDAN CASTRO


from YOUNG AMERICANS


SOMETHING WEIRD JUST HAPPENED AND I FELT REALLY SAD

i experienced a strange despair

after imagining my dad

alone

in bed

crying and touching his face

pulling at his nonexistent hair

repeatedly saying 'i just want to be a fun, creative uncle'

and 'why doesn't my family appreciate me'


i stood

staring blankly

for around 3 minutes


feeling this feeling take hold

sink into me like some

thing sinking in to me



COMMENTS, LIKES, AND REBLOGS

just uploaded music to bandcamp.com

then linked it on twitter, tumblr, blogger, and facebook

while listening to a song by defiance, ohio on repeat

in bed

alone

waiting for the comments, likes, and reblogs

to start rollin' in to slowly alleviate my steadily declining self-esteem

self-confidence

self

a friend who moved to south korea messages me on gmail chat

i list the drugs i'm on
she tells me that she's worried
she tells me that i need to slow down sometimes
i thank her and apologize

i am plagued by the problems i've created for myself

worse every second i'm alive

always trying, rarely doing

waiting for the comments, likes, and reblogs

for anything, really


still waiting


POEM I WROTE WHILE POOPING AFTER EATING AN ENTIRE BOX OF VEGAN CHICKEN NUGGETS AT YOUR HOUSE THEN EDITED A LITTLE LATER WHILE LISTENING TO YOU AND ZIGGY PLAY GUITAR

i feel like the back of my head is being stabbed repeatedly by little knives that were already inside of my head before the stabbing

i feel like it'll last forever

i feel physical and mental weakness like i'd imagine a lizard to feel in the middle of january or july

i feel like a lizard...

i feel warmth in my face and it feels like a fever or something else shitty
a perverted uncle
an unwelcome acquaintance in a group of close friends
a close friend

i feel like my throat is a hamster cage at 'pet smart'
all hamster cages
all hamsters
all cages

and there exists only throat lozenges and drugs

to temporarily divert attention

i feel like adderall is the version of me that should be talking to other people and alcohol is the version of me that should be killing other people or myself

i feel like that sentence doesn't mean anything but neither do i

and i feel like that's ok

in an effort to temporarily divert attention

i will write this poem and read it

with a facial expression

touch my moustache

move words around

edit it

i don't know

i feel like shit

i feel like my skull is a zoo and the animals are running rampant because the zookeeper of my brain thought it would be a good idea to release them and i feel like it will realize too late that a free animal is a dangerous animal

i feel like a more belligerent version of myself, typing similes to convey sentiments and starting every sentence with 'i feel like'

i just thought of a novel called 'the hangover' in a manner like i could write a novel called 'the hangover' then remembered the movie 'the hangover' and felt something like a puddle, i think


MELATONIN

while falling asleep

i feel a certain sense of 'giving up'

a certain sense of loss


something like investing money


'AMERICAN PSYCHO'

just imagined my head as christian bale's head in 'american psycho' boarding a plane, telling his butler 'when I die, chop my penis off and send it to my biggest fan so they can suck it' then imagined 'stewie' from 'family guy' sucking a floating penis


'SECOND MARRIAGE'

just imagined giving the same pair of shoes to my wife two years in a row as birthday presents then her saying 'you can't remember anything from the past year?' and me not being able to remember anything from the past year