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THIS FRIDAY I WOKE UP AT 2PM
started drinking alcohol at 3pm
at 11pm i went to a party wearing the same clothes i wore on thursday
at 12:30am the guy i lost my virginity to told me he is having a baby
at 1:30am i ate drugs in the bathroom without telling anyone
i don't know how to maintain relationships
most of the people i've had sex with have negative feelings about me now
starving to death during sex is something i would like to do this week
every time i look at my computer
i fight the urge to open a word document and list everything i ate that day
here is what i ate today:
coffee, curry vegetable thing from whole foods, plum
i am most comfortable around people who criticize me because
i feel like anyone who isn't constantly criticizing me is lying
or expecting me to be something different
seems insane that you need money to do things like
develop a drug addiction, or move across the country
i don't identify as 'depressed' even though i feel depressed
seems unfair that i only get to feel a finite amount of things in my life
lately i have been assuming that dried fruit has more calories than regular fruit
i feel like 400 dead jellyfish in the middle of a freeway
2 WEEKS AGO I WAS LOOKING FOR DRUGS AT A PARTY
one guy gave me alcohol then diagnosed me with 'major depressive disorder'
i said 'i don't think i have that' and 'thank you'
today i stole and drank 3 red bulls
people have gone into cardiac arrest from drinking more than 3 red bulls in a day
thinking about dying makes me feel tiny and calm
i feel mostly uninterested in dying right now
at 2pm i took pain killers and walked to the beach
i touched a crab and a sea urchin and a squishy thing
i think i am going to stop wearing my glasses
things seem better when i can't see clearly
i want to have an emotion that feels like being slowly punched in the face for 3 years
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