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Norm Macdonald walks out of the subway station. A man is walking toward him. The man is carrying a Whole Foods bag. There is a line of cars stopped at a red light. As the man passes Norm Macdonald, he kicks the side of a black car service car. Norm Macdonald looks at the car. There is a large dent in the side of the car. Norm Macdonald looks back at the man. The man is still walking. Norm Macdonald makes eye contact with the driver of the car service car. The driver looks confused. He is smiling a little. Norm Macdonald laughs. Norm Macdonald looks at the other people around him. They are laughing. Norm Macdonald will not kill himself today. Norm Macdonald walks to the Duane Reade to buy a seltzer water. He starts drinking the seltzer water while he is waiting in line. He pays for it with his debit card. “I’m rich,” he thinks. Norm Macdonald thinks about going outside, drinking the seltzer water, and then coming back with the empty bottle and bringing it to the counter to buy again. “I’m so rich,” he thinks. Norm Macdonald doesn’t do that. Norm Macdonald walks to Koreatown. Norm Macdonald wants to buy dinner. Norm Macdonald goes to a Korean restaurant that says it is open 24 hours. It is big. Norm Macdonald looks around. “This better not be expensive,” he thinks. Norm Macdonald laughs. “I’m rich,” he thinks. No one comes up to Norm Macdonald. Norm Macdonald is confused. Norm Macdonald walks up to a man and says, “Can I just sit anywhere?” The man makes a noise and looks around. He points upstairs. Norm Macdonald walks upstairs. Norm Macdonald is still confused. On the second floor a man notices him. Norm Macdonald picks up a magazine that is stacked next to the register. It is about Japan. Norm Macdonald walks to the table the man points out for him. Norm Macdonald sits and looks at the magazine. He is given a menu. Norm Macdonald stares at the menu. “This is fucking expensive,” he thinks. Norm Macdonald can’t decide what to eat. No one comes up to him. Norm Macdonald feels embarrassed. The people at the table next to him are staring at him. They stare at him and then talk quietly and then talk loudly again. Norm Macdonald feels fucked. Norm Macdonald finally decides what he wants to eat. “An avocado salad and a casserole that has kimchee, baby clams, scallops, and oysters,” he thinks. Norm Macdonald looks at the magazine. “I’ll just read and someone will come soon,” he thinks. He opens up to a page that has an article on washable menstrual pads. They are colorful and made from organic cotton. “Wow,” he thinks. At the bottom there is a promotion for a free trial set. An email address is given. “I want those for my wife,” he thinks. Norm Macdonald takes out his blackberry and sends an email to the address. Norm Macdonald might now have another week of not killing himself until the package comes. No one comes to take his order. Norm Macdonald doesn’t want to eat here. “Shit,” he thinks. “I’m just going to leave,” he thinks. Norm Macdonald sees the people next to him looking at him. “They know I’m Norm Macdonald,” he thinks. “They know I’m not getting service.” He gets up and walks out. No one notices. Norm Macdonald walks into a Gamestop. Norm Macdonald buys himself a Nintendo DS Lite. He buys a game that involves taking care of interactive hamsters. He buys a Princess Peach case. “My wife will think I’m funny,” he thinks. He pays with his debit card. Norm Macdonald feels drunk. He is not drunk. After walking out of the store he thinks, “I wonder how sad my wife would be if I killed myself.” He walks to a park and plays Nintendo DS Lite alone.
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