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HOLDING YOUR BREATH SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO BREATHE SO MUCH SOMETIMES
ZAC SMITH


from EVERYTHING IS TOTALLY FINE


I was in Montana, driving down the highway. There were those concrete median things on both sides. The shoulders disappeared so I had to drive carefully, close to the concrete things. Then it went from four lanes to three lanes to two lanes and then finally one lane. I was the only car going east bound as far as I could see. The concrete median things crept closer and closer. I had to slow down. The road was pretty narrow. I felt like I was almost through, like I just had to drive a little bit more and then things would open up again, so I drove very slowly and with a great deal of concentration. I leaned forward with my eyes wide open. I turned off the music. But I started bumping into the medians. Just a little bit. And, each time, I'd jerk the wheel to correct, but then bump the other median, and do it again, back and forth. I felt ok about it, though. I felt like there was nothing else I could do. I was doing my best trying to make it through. It didn't feel like my fault. I imagined reasoning with a judge in traffic court, saying, The road just got so narrow, I figured whoever put the medians up should have known this was inevitable and then they should have done something to prevent it. I imagined the judge agreeing with me. I drove slower and slower as the medians got tighter and tighter. Eventually the medians narrowed enough that they were constantly scraping the sides of the car. I thought I just had a little bit farther to go, so I kept going. It seemed like it would end up fine because none of this was my fault and I figured that paint is just paint, or whatever, and I could get the car fixed. I had some money saved up. I also didn't care about the car, really. But eventually the car got completely stuck, wedged between the two medians. I couldn't go forward. I couldn't back up. I looked in the rearview mirror and didn't see any cars coming. I turned off the car. I imagined stupidly explaining to the tow truck guy that I thought it was going to be fine so I just kept driving. I climbed out of the sunroof and sat on the top of the car. I looked out and saw the medians merging into a nubby triangle of concrete that poked out over a flat, endless expanse of blue ocean. I was so fucking mad.